• The importance of space.... In Ikea

  • Posted on 22/04/21 08:20am
  • I would like to relay a tale.
    This tale involves a Fake Fig tree that my sister said I simply must have in
    my bedroom if I wanted to get with the 'in' crowd and also set the right
    mood along with an incense stick and a fat candle and go on joke all you like.
    Well, this Fake Fig tree was planted but not literally planted in a
    10ft square space in Ikea. It was a Sunday.
    Sunday in Ikea is like food scrap day in maggotsville..... It's dense.
    And it's dense in all senses of the word.
    Dense in all senses.
    So parking was the first bizarre event.
    I keep very calm, almost too calm, some would say, in such situations...
    blue birds happily tweeting, when tweeting was tweeting, around my head.
    Not so, for many, with big anger smudged faces.
    And some are resigned to staring into a space that will never be theirs,
    as drivers reluctant to let them through, or past, or out, or first, command spacial respect.
    Tripping over a miracle, I bag a space. I try to stave off smug but it's useless.
    Walking into Ikea I spy one of the spatial respect commanders stuck
    in a queue mouthing his disgust at other spatial respect commanders who won't let him out.
    In Ikea. It's actually Bedlam and I consider going home and getting in bed
    with only insence and a fat candle and go on joke all you like.
    But I'm made of sterner stuff so I march on.
    Well, I have never seen so many people stressed about spoons and colanders.
    The kids were bored into the floor, exasperated at having to
    stare at a yellow cheese grater for literally minutes.
    It was absolute carnage. The crowds around the dishcloths appalled me.
    I found my Fig Tree. It's remarkable.
    When I got out I cried freedom like William Wallace
    and eye-swallowed the good clean light of the world.
    The Fake Fig tree sits well in my bedroom. It's about my height.



© Mike Walker 2022