• Pandemic poems and funnies over 2020

  • Posted on 22/01/22 09:52am
  • The wonderful fall of my certainty.

    Every time I do a thing that's lacking hip
    Like go to bed and let the candles die away
    or leave the washing in the washer wet all day
    or venture forth with toothpaste on my upper lip
    I fathom out the fool that flunks first base
    has always been a traveller in the race
    and not the skipper of the ship
    This gives comfort to be sure
    relieves the conflict at the core
    But the bolthead is the dolt that thinks the fool
    is the exception, not the rule.


    Pandemicemonium (March 2020)

    Excellent that the big stores
    are rationing goods.
    Nowt in the Tesco when I went tonight.
    People getting around the rationing by taking all family members and they each buy an item...
    couldn't believe a 3 year old child could get a
    12 pack bog roll onto the counter without help.
    All the wigs had gone.
    There was no lip gloss.
    Conan the barbarian vids all gone.
    What to do..? I thought.
    I know.... I'll take some comfort
    in a late swoon with the great
    dance troupe, Boney M.
    Guess what? Not one single CD
    left. Loads of Sinatra, loads of Jazz Rock,
    loads of Experimental Improvisation Troupes
    but Boney M ?? Nada.
    Is that how you spell 'Nada'? I keep hearing it
    in direct replacement to the old word 'Nothing'
    which I thought was useful enough, but I'm in the minority.
    Well, let's get a book. That'll do it.
    Every single copy of 'I don't give a F**K' had gone.
    'Bums' ...? Gone.
    All copies of 'After You' 'A History of Empathy'
    and 'Longitude' completely safe, hugging the shelves.
    We'll meet again, don't know where,
    but I know.....
    some sunny day....



    Your last song.

    What will be
    the last you see?
    A loving look
    a closed account
    an owed amount
    a book
    about a dying tree?
    Could it be the thought
    of what you might have been
    or would have seen
    had you held on
    or let him go
    or let her know?
    Or maybe it will be
    another quiet scream
    a hushed regret
    that slips you into dream
    and all that is beyond the final breath......
    the last that brushes past your lips
    as it did mine
    and more often than we care to dwell
    and sooner would forget, or redefine
    and yet, to think on this,
    of sinking ships
    and tales too cold to tell
    and lips you could not kiss
    of winters waiting in the wings
    of kings that should be queens
    and queens that should be kings
    and all that we demand
    that must be true
    to think on all these things
    gives us a chance
    to tune the dance
    refine the view
    and when we do,
    oh how my heart sings.


    pandemime

    Well, what to do. ?
    It's a Sunday.
    I woke early. Stayed in bed till 7am.
    Then I made porridge and redbush tea (non caffeine guy)
    then brought that back to bed.
    My bed is probably the best bed in the universe.
    Better than the Queens, better than a Movie Star and better than yours no use in denial.
    I have a canadian goose down duvet that was scorchio expensive even at half price which I got when I was flush
    which I'm not now with all this shenanigans going on.
    A woman gave another woman a right old disgusted look
    because she was wearing a mask in the Tesco.
    This is only a week or so in.
    What'll it be like in a month?
    For those of you isolating in families or couples, here's some tips.
    Invent games. Of course there's the usual board games,
    Monopoly, Chess, Snakes and Ladders, Kill the Scone,
    Daft Get, etc etc.
    But you can add a little piquancy to the jolly affair, especially for you competitive types that pretend a smile when you get beat and can't stop thinking about it through clenched teeth.
    Stress Chess is good. You basically insult the other person
    during their move which causes a stress response and sometimes leads to a fight with pulling hair etc but it's really fun and it costs nothing. The kids love it when Mam and Dad play because there's always a point where Mam tries to pull Dad's hair but he has none, and she realises mid-fight and the kids are in tears, but happy tears of laughter.
    For adults there's Naked Monopoly. This involves setting up the board in the usual way, then getting naked, then going to bed.
    Another old game with a new twist is Snakes and Bladders.
    You play the usual game but drink loads of water throughout
    but try not to wee. I used to spell wee 'wea' but I've learned
    and that's what life's about.
    Reverse strip poker is one of the best. Try it.
    I used to do this with my kids and Sisters kids.
    Eve
    and Ruth
    were about 5 and Jack
    and Mike
    were about 7.
    We played pontoon (21) and whoever bust first had to put on an item of clothing.
    As Charlie Brown used to say 'Good Grief!' it was sooooo funny. What was especially funny was as they accumalated more and more clothes, they found it more and more funny.
    And, they were ALL MY clothes. 😂🤣🥳🥳
    They had to pick them out without looking at the item.
    Ruth kept getting socks so her feet looked enormous and bulbous.
    Jeez, that was hilarious.
    Ok, where was I.
    If you live alone, there's much fun to be had.
    Try this:
    Walk upstairs - pretend you're wearing a skirt or kilt or better still, wear one, and very quickly show your bum to an imaginary person behind you. Now, reading that might not give you the insight needed for such an experience but trust me, the fun is in the doing.
    Most folk who spend time on their own, have full blown conversations with themselves and you can use this to your advantage.
    Essential; Buy a wig. Conversations take on new depths.
    Wig off: 'This pandemic has caused pollution to diminish'
    Wig on: 'Yeah, but don't get comfy, it'll come straight back when it's safe to pollute again'
    Wig off: 'Well, let's enjoy the clear landscapes while we can'
    Wig on: 'What's the point?'
    Wig off: (thinking) 'What am I doing with this sad clown?'
    Wig on: (thinking) 'I want to poke you in the eye so bad'.......
    Anyway you get the picture.
    You can always stare out the window of course and wait for stuff to happen.
    But you can also happen to life.
    If you're not confident enough to make a suggestion, do this:
    Write your idea, but in disguised hand writing, on paper or a piece of bread if there's any left at the Tesco.
    No one will know it's you.... feign surprise.
    If it's accepted..... you're not as lame as you think
    If it's rejected...... you are as lame as you think but no-one knows... happy days!!!
    Lovely day today so I'm in the hills ..... done my weights now gym is closed, and I'll be writing music and words after the walk. Made soup last night for later.
    Get creative, there's a long way to go yet and we don't want to be spending it moaning and procrastinating and blaming all and sundry. How do we make a difference to our lives in trying times? How do I make a difference to yours?
    Posting funnies and poems, maybe?
    The terrain changes, and we're forced to navigate it in a different way. We'll go crazy for a while.
    But let's go good crazy... Imagine living just one day,
    learning how to spit good.
    Or this: Write on 100 large labels and go into the Tesco or local equivalent, before the mad rush.... and stick them on the Loo Rolls.... or Bread, or whatever...... "RESERVED FOR NHS STAFF'.
    I'm gonna do it.
    Never, ever, give up. Mx

    Housebound creativity

    Well.... I never.
    I did, but that's another story.
    I'm hoping there isn't an album coming out called 'Social Distancing'... or variations on that theme.
    I'm even standing two metres from the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth.
    The cable to my computer snapped last week so I've been offline for a while and I couldn't finish some writing I'd started on Sibelius. I don't use it that much for writing.. I usually put it in afterward then flesh it out, but this one I actually wrote away from guitar. So I was desperate for that lead.
    I cleaned out the cupboards. I found a marinade from about 1920 and the only thing you could marinate safely now is a 9v battery.
    I did some jobs around the house. I moved the celery over a bit in the fridge. Plumped a cushion. Stuff like that.
    I was gonna paint the kitchen but when I really eyed it, I decided I could get another 20 years out of it.
    I've started doing odd things like seeing if I can get from the kitchen to the living room but walking backwards with my eyes closed. It's sooo exciting and what a cheap night out!!!!
    Those who mock the dance, don't feel the music... that may have been Nietzsche and I'm paraphrasing.
    I'd have been mocked royal today doing the dusting.
    I decided to see if I could get as many jumpers on as I could. One over the other. I did about 20 jumpers and looked like Pavorotti .... So I decided to do the dusting like that.... I did it to Motown but it was hard to bend down and difficult to move my arms.
    So of course there's a knock on the door and lord help us if it's not the postman!!! And he leaves the box (it's my cable) on the doorstep but looks at me, from 2 metres away, trying to pick it up and contemplates coming back to help me but then decides against it.
    I'm not a religious guy... but you have to wonder...
    what f#ck#n channel am I on, on God's telly?
    She's 'avin a laugh innit!!??
    Selfolation... a chance to do different.... Mx


    Flower in the Rain

    Stand in your heartbreak
    A new life waits
    just out of sight
    it waits
    for a wrong turn
    A risk taken
    A fear overcome
    It waits
    unhurried
    by your impatience
    Your sudden insight
    has been waiting
    For you to stop knowing
    It’s been waiting
    For the fool in you
    To meet my own fool
    to begin the glorious collision
    of our mutual doubt
    where new views wait
    And sure paths
    fall away
    Sodden with mistakes that we must make
    If we’re to live
    If I’m to live
    If you’re to live
    you must
    Stand In your heartbreak
    A flower in the rain.



© Mike Walker 2022